


Breathe

by subak_jumokbap



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Getting Together, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Making Out, Postgrads, Strangers to Lovers, implied mental health issues, mark lee is serotonin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-09
Updated: 2020-09-09
Packaged: 2021-03-06 20:07:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 19,456
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26374711
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/subak_jumokbap/pseuds/subak_jumokbap
Summary: He notes that Mark’s carrying a backpack and he wonders if he had unnecessarily dragged Mark out.Mark shrugs, putting his hands in his pockets. “Nah, was just reading some journal papers in the library to escape being in the lab.”Renjun scoffs. He mutters, “Should have known.”Mark laughs, unembarrassed by the judge of character. “You? Why did you decide to pull me out on a date?”I was thinking of things and you somehow make me not think of them.“Never said this was a date.”“Never told me I couldn’t call it one.”
Relationships: Huang Ren Jun/Mark Lee
Comments: 12
Kudos: 140





	Breathe

**Author's Note:**

> please read tags before proceeding, if you think this should be rated as mature for the implied mental health issues lmk

The plastic bag Renjun carries crinkles as it swings and bumps repeatedly against his leg. His steps are heavy on his way back to his dorm and his shoulders are familiarly weighed down by troubles he had long deemed too bothersome to worry about. He functions like a wound toy car losing breath, lethargy rooted deep in his bones and accompanying him as would a longtime friendship — silent but ever present. He moves on autopilot, his mind a blank state as his feet carry him forward. The path to and from the dorms and the convenience store is one he’s walked enough times that he’s sure he’s able to do it with his eyes closed. He doesn’t try it of course but he might one day when it doesn’t seem like a too bad idea compared to everything else going on for him.

It’s late in the night, or rather too early in the morning, and he’s currently taking a short cut behind the old business library to make it back quicker. There’s a path amongst the shrubbery by the barbed wire fence that’s been worn into the ground by similarly lazy students before him. As he walks along the length of the fence, he’s accompanied by an inky black dullness all around him. There’s not a single light source in sight — there isn’t supposed to be anyone walking along this way — and it would have been eerie walking here at this timing alone if not for the fact that he’s walked this path in the dead of the night too many times to fear for his life. Crimes on campus are a rarity and if he does get mugged, all he can offer are a few cents and two cans of coffee. The stories of what people have seen along the fences used to scare him before, but they don’t anymore, not since he realised the weird screeching noises were a result of wind and rusty metal and the claims of supernatural sightings were likely a trick of the mind. So he walks, unfazed by the chilling silence, the occasional screeching and the random gusts of wind. He lets out a sigh as another cold breeze grazes his cheek, simply pulling his cap down low and pulling the hood of his hoodie up to provide mercy to his ears from the cold night. The plastic bag of coffee cans continues rustling by his leg, his other hand resting in his hoodie front pocket, playing with the loose change he’d gotten earlier.

He sees a light source up ahead across the road when he comes to the end of the fence. His dorm building shines like a lighthouse, one he’s been drawn to for over four years now. He doesn’t check the roads before he crosses, barely any cars are out at this time of the night on campus and if there are, well, that’s on him, isn’t it? He knows his risks and he mindlessly takes them. He’s proven right again when he leisurely jaywalks across to his dorm building and there’s not a sound of a single vehicle behind him. He enters the piercingly lit lobby and takes the elevator up to the fifth floor. He walks down the corridor past two doors on the left, knocking lazily on the third one.

Jaemin opens the door with a yawn, looking almost as bad as Renjun does. Renjun doesn’t point that out because Jaemin doesn’t call him out either. A smile lights up Jaemin’s face when he sees that it’s Renjun at his door. Renjun scoffs, a noise good enough as a greeting between them and reaches into the plastic bag to produce a coffee can for Jaemin. Jaemin accepts it gratefully, says he’ll take the next emergency coffee run as thanks. Jaemin leans against the doorframe and Renjun takes it that he can’t leave to his own room just yet. Jaemin cracks his can of coffee open, taking a sip before he asks Renjun how he’s been holding up. Renjun thinks about the papers he has to read, all the data he has yet to compile and the monthly report he has to submit in a few hours. He scrunches his face, tells Jaemin he’s getting by. It’s a lie he’s trying to turn into a truth. Jaemin laughs inoffensively at his answer, probably knowing it’s icing to cover up monstrosities. He knocks the brim of Renjun’s cap down with his knuckles, making it slide past Renjun’s eyebrows which Renjun huffs at but he pats Renjun’s cheek tenderly after to placate him.

“Put some soul back into that body of yours. Breathe and live, alright?”

Renjun scoffs and weakly pushes Jaemin’s hand away from his face, a movement weak enough to tell Jaemin he appreciates the affection nevertheless. He just doesn’t want to feel Jaemin’s worry clouding all over him. Jaemin has his own things to worry about and his own cloud is suffocating enough as it is. He readjusts his cap and sends Jaemin a worn smile that should speak reassuringly to Jaemin considering Jaemin’s learnt how to read him. Jaemin squeezes his shoulder and then he’s off, taking the elevator to the seventh floor to his own room. He enters, puts his own can of coffee on his desk and flops down onto his bed. He takes off his cap and sighs, watching the ceiling and listening to the whirring of the air-conditioning in the still silence. He turns his head, glances at the glowing red number on his digital clock resting at the edge of the desk by his bed.

3:30 a.m.

Four and a half hours till his report is due. He groans, rubs his face and forces himself up. He sits slumped, observing dejectedly the mess on his desk, wondering for the umpteenth time if doing a PhD is really worth. The answer he comes to is always the same. It is — he wants this. It’s what he’s been working towards for the past two years. It’s just... it’s just a lot harder than he’d expected it to be. He blows out a breath and shifts to turn on the lamp on his desk. His papers get illuminated by a warm yellow glow and he imagines it to be inviting just to wash away the dread that’s deciding to settle at the bottom of his stomach. He moves sluggishly and takes a seat in front the desk, turning his laptop back alive. Four hours and twenty-five minutes till his report is due. He sits straighter and gathers back his mind. He doesn’t know how many hours since he last slept.

—

Renjun hadn’t wanted to be here. He’d wanted to spend the public holiday in his room on his bed, listening to music, maybe watch some anime or catch up on his sleep — just anything that doesn’t involve being dragged to a party. He struck off going to parties a long time ago when he decided to get himself together and chase after that doctorate. Yet, here he finds himself trailing behind Jaemin into someone’s house, he can’t remember who because he doesn’t have it in him to be interested enough about it. Out of solidarity and loyalty to a friendship he questions a lot of the time, he accompanies Jaemin out. Jaemin doesn’t always go to parties now as compared to then, but they’ve been suffering horribly through reports and presentation findings that Jaemin desperately needed a break and thought it would be good for the two of them to let loose a little. Renjun really hopes Jaemin keeps to the ‘a little’ part.

He sticks with Jaemin for the most part since he doesn’t really feel like breaking off to go talk to someone new. He’s not really in the mood for all those introductions and niceties. He’s good with just Jaemin, his cup of beer and the occasional smiles and chatter he exchanges with people he already knows. Jaemin must feel the same way because Jaemin doesn’t trail off to find anyone else either. Renjun never would have thought they’d reach the point of being past wilding it out at parties and instead being more intent on chilling in the background. Once upon a time they would be vomiting their guts out or be busy scoring a deal for the night. It’s weird, how much they’ve changed. He doesn’t know if it’s because they’re more mature now or because they simply don’t have the energy for it anymore. Both, probably.

They’re lingering around in the kitchen because it’s too crowded outside. They’ve been here, leaning against a counter and conversing the whole while, with some people occasionally coming up to them to engage with them. Other than that it’s just them in a secluded little world which Renjun finds the lack of outsiders comforting. Jaemin’s the over-sharer in their friendship while he’s the rapt listener. He listens to all the key parts of Jaemin’s anecdotes and laughs whenever Jaemin delivers a punchline. It’s all nice and easy until Jaemin gets dragged into some drinking game in the living room by a fourth year Renjun only recognises by face. Renjun refuses with a tired laugh when Jaemin pouts at him to join. Jaemin doesn’t push him more than that and promises to be back in no time. Renjun nods, hardly believing Jaemin’s words and simply tells him not to drink too much. He slithers his way out of the kitchen as well after Jaemin leaves, breathing in the humid air unwillingly once he steps out. Everything out here is amplified — the noise, the people, the lack of space. He scans the scene in front of him, ignoring the mass of people and searching for an empty seat or corner in the living room he can blend into while he keeps an eye on Jaemin. There’s none and he duly makes do with leaning against the cool wall of the outside of the kitchen. The plus point is that he’s near the refreshments table and away from the bulk of the crowd. He nurses his drink and idly watches Jaemin at a pingpong table set up randomly towards the side of the living room. Jaemin bounces the ball and misses his hit. Renjun snorts into his cup as he takes a sip. Jaemin is unsurprisingly horrible at the game.

Jaemin seems like he’s having a good time despite losing (probably because he’s getting drunk off the shots he’s taking for every loss) and the sight of him drunk-babbling and challenging people hotheadedly makes Renjun laugh under his breath. It looks like Jaemin is going to take a while longer before he’s satisfied with the game. Renjun’s cup has gone empty for a while now and he thinks he can take on another cup without getting drunk while he waits for Jaemin. He detaches himself from the spot on the wall he’s claimed as his and hovers over the refreshment table to grab a bottle of something alcoholic, he’s not particularly choosy about his choice of drink. When he’s just about done pouring, someone bumps into him harshly from the back. His drink dribbles over his fingers and he manages to catch himself in time before more damage results. He turns briefly over his shoulder to glance at the culprit. He’s not about to get angry about it, he’s far from being someone who loses their temper unreasonably. The last thing he wants to do at a party is fight anyway. He just wants to confirm that it was an accidental act and he’s proven right when he comes face-to-face with a guy with flushed cheeks and a drink in his own hand. The guy hurls a few harsh words at his friends in a laugh for shoving him before he offers a smile and an apology to Renjun which Renjun accepts easily. Renjun tells him it’s all good, waving him off with a polite smile as he moves back to his wall. He belatedly notes that the guy doesn’t move away. The guy lingers around him and Renjun raises an amused eyebrow at him in place of his words. Renjun gets offered a name along with a dangerous, sweet smile. Mark Lee. Renjun nods and offers his in return.

Mark, Renjun comes to learn, is in his first year of PhD as well but majoring in physics. He’s friendly and a little cheeky in a way that has himself flustered, like he doesn’t have control over his own words. His thoughts are intriguing and he has funny stories that manage to make Renjun feel relaxed around him. He’s a nice companion to have a conversation with while Renjun waits for Jaemin so Renjun doesn’t mind much talking to him to pass time by. He also learns that Mark is single because Mark told him so and Mark wants to know if he is. He laughs incredulously and tells Mark that yes, he is single, which makes Mark smile. He’s quick to add however that he’s not looking for anything tonight, ending it with a friendly smile so that Mark would take no offence. Mark doesn't, and although his words say that he respects Renjun’s choice, Renjun finds it hard to believe going by the sparkle in his eyes. Renjun silently thinks that Mark’s flirting isn’t one of the most impressive he’s experienced so far but his bluntness is cute, so he gives Mark a point for that.

Mark asks him for a dance after a while but he refuses with a sorry smile to ease the rejection. Mark surprisingly accepts it without trying a second time and for that, Renjun gives Mark another point too. Mark doesn’t leave his side still despite the refusal and since Renjun doesn’t have anywhere to go and Mark seems to want to talk to him more, he indulges.

Conversations between them flow seamlessly even if Mark does most of the talking. Renjun’s more of a ‘learn me piece-by-piece’ kind of person while Mark has no problems sharing even some of his most embarrassing stories. It’s fun, learning about Mark and watching Mark’s reaction when he does throw in some of his own backstory. They turn mindless of everyone else and in turn get startled in the heat of their conversation when Mark’s friends call out to him from across the living room. His friends seem to be heading towards the backyard of the house and wants him to come with. Mark looks torn for a moment before asking Renjun bashfully if he would like to join them. Renjun doesn’t, he’s not up for mingling with a crowd tonight and he feels bad when he rejects Mark yet another time. He’s mildly surprised however when Mark casually rejects his friends too in lieu of staying with him. His friends predictably throw a few middle fingers at him added with a whistle or two in the midst of hoots and cackles before they’re gone and out.

Mark laughs embarrassedly under his breath while Renjun takes a last sip of his drink to empty it. He looks inside his cup while he talks to Mark. “Why didn’t you go with them?”

Mark shrugs half-heartedly, a slanted smile when he glances at Renjun. Rosy cheeks, hazy eyes but he’s not drunk because that’s what he told Renjun a minute ago when Renjun had asked. “I kind of came up with a goal a few minutes ago and it has something to do with you.”

Renjun raises his brows which Mark grins unashamedly at. Renjun’s had his fair share of one-night stands and fooling around but he’s way past that now. His life is taking course and he’s even doing his PhD. This is his first party in six months — his younger self would be impressed, or appalled, he doesn’t really know which. The point is he’s changed, so while Mark is really adorable and clear with his interest in Renjun, Renjun is not up for anything tonight, as flattered as he is.

Mark however, is really adamant on at least getting his number. Renjun thinks his persistence is more cute than annoying.

“Even when I’ve been so boring the whole time?” Renjun questions like a quiz, like Mark won’t get his number if Mark answers it wrong. He plucks Mark’s empty cup of out Mark’s hand, stacks it with his own and drops it in the trash bag by the refreshment table while Mark comes up with a reply.

Mark smiles, says he only really started to have fun after he bumped into him.

It’s a good answer and Renjun would have given him a full score if he was keen on giving Mark his number in the first place. It’s funny, however, because despite the show of confidence Mark puts on, his cheeks turn a shade of pink at his own words, rendering himself a flustered mess. The diagnosis is this: Mark is interested and he’s trying to flirt despite not being able to stand it himself. It works for him though, because Renjun thinks it’s very sweet and paints him charming. Renjun tames a laugh just to feed Mark’s ego. In a spur of spontaneity, he leans forward and kisses Mark’s cheek to thank him for his company tonight. Mark’s eyes widen in surprise but Renjun tells him that’s all he’s getting before he can get any more ideas. Renjun announces that he’s had enough fun for the night and that he should probably find Jaemin to drag him back. He makes to move away but Mark holds his arm to stop him. He gives Mark a tired smile, says he’s sorry but he’s really not looking for anything. He’s here for solidarity to a friend and he’d like for it to stay that way tonight.

Mark tries the puppy eyes now which Renjun horrifyingly finds are able to shake him. Mark opportunely takes advantage of someone walking behind him to lean into Renjun’s personal space which Renjun admits is pretty smooth. Mark smiles at him, a blend of nervous and brazen, and it makes Renjun laugh because Mark can apparently be really stubborn. Renjun sighs at him but he’s smiling because Mark is cute and he regrets it because Mark takes it as an encouragement to further convince him to stay a while longer or at least exchange numbers so they can meet again.

“I’ll give you one kiss, that’s all, then I’m going,” Renjun relents, cutting off Mark’s rambling in his attempt to convince him to stay. He levels Mark with a look, waits expectantly for his reply.

Mark laughs in surprise at the idea of being granted a single kiss. He says it makes him feel like he’s fifteen again.

Renjun shrugs. “Take it or leave it.”

Mark takes it like Renjun expects him to and he flaunts a pleased smile with makes Renjun scoff a laugh in return. Renjun leans back slowly against the wall, a silent invite which Mark accepts by crowding into him.

“You make it sound like I’m desperate for it,” Mark says, feigning hurt.

“Are you not?” Renjun challenges, watching Mark as Mark tentatively cradles his jaw. “Wasn’t that your goal?”

Mark’s eyes are trained on his lips. Mark smiles. “I only wanted your number.”

“The kiss is off then,” Renjun hums, bringing his hand to rest warmly on Mark’s shoulder.

Mark scoffs, his eyes twinkling when he looks back up at Renjun. “No take-backs.”

Renjun takes the first move, pulling Mark closer and attaching his lips to Mark’s. Mark smiles at the touch of their lips, taking a moment to register that Renjun is really letting him kiss him before he slides his hands to Renjun’s nape to hold him firm and kiss him better. Mark is a good kisser Renjun finds out, the way he enchants Renjun with his tongue such that Renjun never wants to pull away — a sneaky trick to make their one kiss last. Renjun however isn’t that much far behind Mark when it comes to kissing, proven right when Mark whines lowly in his throat as Renjun runs his tongue along the ridges of the roof of Mark’s mouth. He manages a smug laugh before Mark takes him deeper. The kiss is as eager as it is intense but it’s fun above everything else and Renjun finds himself enjoying it. He lets out an incoherent noise at the back of his throat when Mark’s fingers travel down his arm, the skitter of Mark’s touch electrifying against his skin. He cradles Mark’s face and kisses him harder while Mark’s hands find purchase on his waist. Mark smiles which makes him smile and when Mark tries to slide a knee between his, he pulls away with a breathy laugh before Mark can manage it. Mark laughs as well, caught at being sneaky, himself sounding breathless but his hands on Renjun’s waist stays.

Renjun feels a wave of nostalgia. He feels like how he used to when he was twenty. Light and carefree, reckless and daring. He hadn’t given much mind to the weight that had been residing in his chest until he feels its absence now and realises how much better he feels without it. He knows the weight will inevitably return after the nostalgia passes so he basks in the feeling before it comes back. He catches his breath and when he opens his eyes, the light is blinding from how long his eyes have been closed and he has to close them immediately again. He hears Mark’s laughter directed at him. He smiles, genuinely for what feels like the first one tonight and leans his head back against the wall. He opens his eyes slowly this time and comes to a view of Mark watching him. He reprimands Mark in a murmur for being sneaky, even now still when Mark doesn’t let go of his waist. He doesn’t make Mark pull his hands away despite his words and maybe that’s why Mark doesn’t. Mark apologises for being devious but he doesn’t sound guilty and he definitely doesn’t act like it when he noses along Renjun’s jaw and trails kisses down Renjun’s exposed neck.

Renjun turns his head to the side at the flutter of Mark’s lips against his skin, letting out a surprised, breathy laugh as Mark kisses back up and along his jaw. He points out that Mark is still cheating.

“No, you said _you_ were going to give me one kiss. I never said I was,” Mark lets out. Renjun sighs concededly, sliding his hand into Mark’s hair as he lets Mark leave a few more kisses along the length of his neck. Before Mark can decide to leave a hickey somewhere he has to worry about, he tugs Mark’s hair gently to tell him the fun has to stop. Mark relents, a surprising gentleman in a twist of things considering the tricks he’s pulled tonight, and true to a gentleman, he pecks Renjun on his cheek and thanks him for a fun night. Renjun takes it as a goodbye kiss even if Mark never intended it to be one. He pushes himself off the wall and tells Mark he should really be finding Jaemin and heading back. He tells Mark he had a great time too and promises he’ll say hi if he ever sees Mark in school.

As if Jaemin had been synced with his thoughts, Jaemin promptly comes up behind Mark. His eyes land on Renjun first before he sees Mark, and his gaze changes to questioning when he glances at how Mark’s position is a little too close to Renjun, a little too telling. Renjun ignores Jaemin’s meaningful glance, uses Jaemin’s presence to slip away from Mark instead. Mark and Jaemin exchange brief smiles before Jaemin heads off first. Renjun squeezes Mark’s arm as he bids him goodbye as a message of something, he’s not sure what, he leaves it up to Mark to decide how to interpret. Mark sends him a soft smile that he accepts there and then so he won’t think about it later.

Fortunately Jaemin isn’t shit-faced drunk which makes the Uber ride back to their dorms tolerable. Unfortunately, it means Jaemin still has his wits with him and he predictably asks Renjun about Mark.

“Thought you said you were tired of hooking up and shit.”

Renjun was. He still is. He tells Jaemin he’s not his free-spirited younger self anymore. He’s not so reckless nor carefree and ‘hooking up and shit’ hasn’t been on his agenda for a while now. But Mark had been fun and nice, and a little making out didn’t hurt either of them. It was technically one kiss anyway.

“Besides,” he continues, humming as he looks out the window away from Jaemin. He winds the window down to feel the breeze against his skin. Fresh air helps with his motion sickness and eases the acceptance of the weight as it makes its way home in his chest. “I don’t think I’ll ever bump into him again.”

He’s never bumped into Mark before for the past four years when he was an undergrad, he doubts he’ll start seeing Mark around more all of a sudden now that they’ve met. He knows what Mark wants but he’s not into a fling or a crudely put it, a fuck-buddy, and if he had he would have given Mark his number. So he sees no reason why Mark and him should ever meet up. He hadn’t been interested, as appealing as Mark was, because he has things going on for him now. Keeping himself and his life together is his biggest struggle at the moment. It has been for a while now. He can’t dive into something knowing that he’ll struggle with it. He’ll cope horribly if he gets involved with Mark because he doesn’t want a sweet little fling — he craves reassurance and comfort, platonic or romantic. He just needs something real and permanent he can hold on to.

He tells Jaemin everything except that last bit. He thinks if he does it might worry him. Jaemin’s his best friend and Jaemin is there for him in so many ways but he can’t dump his load on Jaemin and expect Jaemin to accept it all welcomingly. Jaemin has his own worries, like the tuition fees he’s struggling with but doesn’t tell him about. He didn’t mean to overhear Jaemin’s phone call with his brother but he’s glad he did because he knows better now than to let Jaemin pay for his meals or groceries. If Jaemin doesn’t want to worry him with his own troubles, he should at least treat Jaemin the same way. 

Jaemin, like always, hears the parts that he wants Jaemin to pick up on and tells him the words he secretly yearns to hear. “Hey, I don’t know what you think but I think you’re doing a good job keeping your shit together,” Jaemin voices out. “Breathe and live, remember?”

Renjun crosses his arms and rests them on the ledge of the window. He closes his eyes. _You’ve hit a low, haven’t you? And you want people to think that you haven’t._ Is what Jaemin doesn’t say, but what he thinks to himself now and on all the nights before.

He hums, feels the wind whisper against his hair, the weight now settling back into his chest like it belongs there. He’s anchored down and drowning once more. “Yeah.”

—

It’s Jungwoo’s birthday. Jungwoo’s a second year PhD in chemical engineering and Renjun knows him through Yuta, a fellow PhD student in the same lab research group as Renjun is. Jaemin knows Jungwoo through Renjun by default and they’re both here at the club for Jungwoo’s birthday celebration. They’re hanging out with a bunch of other post grad students, most Renjun already knows, some he’s only gotten acquainted with tonight. They’ve been having a good time, Renjun as well, but he’s at the point where his smiles are no longer sincere and he’s forcing his laughter. He’s socially drained and he feels like backing away into the shadows to steal a breath for himself. He decides it’s better if he heads home rather than stay and fake his interactions. He hates being insincere. He taps Jaemin’s knee, whispers into his ear and Jaemin nods. Jaemin squeezes his thigh. Then he’s slipping out of the seat, wishing farewell to everyone. He stops by a table where Jungwoo is to wish him a last happy birthday before he pushes the heavy door of the club and steps into the crisp air of the cold night. He gasps in a breath of fresh air as he stands by the side of the road, wrapping his jacket tighter round his body, head leaned up towards the sky to take in the taste of sweet solitude.

“Renjun?”

He snaps his head to the side, not expecting any more people who recognises him out here. His eyes adjust around the soft street lights cradling the dark night as he searches for the source of the voice. He sees him, _Mark Lee,_ standing next to a car peering at him bewilderedly. Mark lets out a laugh.

Renjun finds that he isn’t surprised it’s Mark who had called out to him despite not expecting to see Mark ever again. He watches Mark suspiciously, refusing to walk over to him. What were the odds they would meet coincidentally again? He thinks Mark might be stalking him, although he can’t figure out how.

“I’m not a creep!” Mark defends himself at Renjun’s accusation, keeping the distance between them like how Renjun is, offended that Renjun thinks he’d go so far as to stalk him. Renjun huffs out a breath, indignantly asks him what he’s doing here.

It turns out that Jungwoo is Mark’s neighbour, a few doors down from his own and that Jungwoo had invited Mark for the celebration, just like how Jungwoo had invited Renjun. Renjun mentions he hadn’t seen Mark inside and Mark points out that he didn’t see Renjun either. Far enough.

Mark asks him where he’s headed and Renjun tells him back to the dorms. He finds out Mark’s dorms is only a ten minutes’ drive away from his. Mark offers to drive him back when he mentions that he’s booking an Uber. Renjun’s not so sure if he should accept the offer.

Mark gives him a look. “You can call the police if I do anything weird. Come on, I’m heading back too and you’re on the way.”

Mark tilts his head to the car in an attempt to persuade him and Renjun concedes, although he squints at Mark suspiciously the whole time he circles the car to get to the passenger side. Mark shakes his head at Renjun’s mistrust towards him and gets in after Renjun does.

Mark sets up the music before he starts them driving. His fingers drum casually to the rhythm on the steering wheel. It doesn’t feel awkward between them and Renjun doesn’t feel weird being in a stranger’s car. He doesn’t consider Mark a stranger anyway. Mark asks Renjun what Renjun’s been up to since they last saw each other.

The truth is, nothing much. Or nothing much other than school. He’s up to his neck with compiling data and doing reports. He’s just been going back and forth between the lab and the dorms. Occasionally he drops by Jaemin’s to have supper together but that’s about it.

“I told you, I’m boring,” Renjun murmurs under his breath as he turns his head to look out the window. The glass is foggy but he can make out soft yellow and red hues of the traffic lights.

“Sounds like a normal student to me.” He hears Mark laugh casually. “I can give you fun if you want some.”

Renjun scoffs, rolling his eyes even though Mark can’t see him. Still stubborn, Renjun notes. He tells Mark no thanks.

Renjun turns his head back to Mark, asks him in return what he’s been doing lately. Mark tells him he’s been working with lasers a lot in the lab. He’s also mentoring some undergraduates while he’s at it and during the weekends he drives his younger brother around to help him search for inspiration. Renjun learns that Mark’s brother is a cinematography major and has a few projects due so they’ve been discovering places that could be sources of inspiration for him. Renjun thinks it’s cool. He thinks Mark’s a bit cool too when Mark mentions his hobbies are going on adventures and discovering hidden restaurants. Renjun can’t remember the last time he took on a hobby.

Mark asks about his family. He tells Mark he’s the only child, says he hasn’t met his family

in over a year which reminds him to call his mother one of these days. He gives Mark snippets of his life when he was in high school, an undergrad, tells Mark a little about Jaemin. In return, he learns about Mark’s favourite food, yet another one of Mark’s embarrassing stories and knows now that Mark’s best friend is called Yukhei.

If Renjun was as rash and thoughtless as when he was younger, he could see himself flirting with Mark throughout their conversation. But he’s past that now, he’s no longer that young and brazen. He wants something firm he can grasp a long time, not something pretty and fleeting. And if it doesn’t present itself to him, he won’t go out of his way to chase after it. He doesn’t flirt with Mark and Mark, always the unexpected gentleman, doesn’t flirt with him either. Renjun finds that he appreciates it. He craves genuine company and he feels like he’s been offered it throughout the car ride, and maybe that’s why when Mark pulls up in front of his dorm building, he doesn’t get out immediately.

“I like the song,” he relays as an excuse when Mark spares him a glance. Mark nods mutely, enjoys the music with him instead of trying to fill up the space between them with words. He likes that Mark respects and accepts the silence between them. It’s only when three more songs pass that Mark speaks up.

“Don’t tell me you like all my songs now,” Mark laughs, watching Renjun’s face carefully. His laughter fades out and his tone takes a gentler turn, his voice soft and laced with care when he asks, “You wanna talk about it?”

Renjun swallows. Anyone would be able to tell there’s something up with him from the way he’s acting but he’d rather not talk about whatever’s going on up in his head. He lets slip a weak smile while he looks down on his lap and shakes his head.

He doesn’t really know what’s going on to be honest. A part of him thinks maybe he craves some spontaneity from his mundane life, from how tight everything is for him right now. A part of him thinks he’s lonely. A part of him wonders if he should invite Mark up.

Renjun tells Mark he’s just thinking. Mark asks what about. Renjun watches Mark slowly. He takes in the attentiveness of Mark’s face and averts his gaze away. He tells Mark the least heavy of his thoughts. “If I should ask whether you want to come up.”

A dash of spontaneity. An interlude from loneliness. Mark can be that for him. If he allows it, if Mark wants it too.

Mark lets out a laugh, surprised and perplexed, and he raises a brow at Renjun half-jokingly, asking Renjun if Renjun wants him to come up.

No, that feels like too much commitment for something meant to be fleeting. God, he doesn’t know what’s wrong with him. He hasn’t hooked up for a long while now because he doesn’t want to so he doesn’t get why he feels the urge to now. Maybe it’s Mark, but he thinks it’s mostly him. He yearns for that splash of something in his life again. The thrill, the risks, the unpredictability. Mark was exactly all that when they met at the party, coming to him like a present and if he’d been toying with the bow before, he wants to unwrap everything and get straight to the gift inside now.

It’s weird, he’s usually not like this.

“Or we can stay here,” Mark suggests slowly, trying to convey his words the way he wants Renjun to hear them. “We don’t have to go up.”

And since Mark seems to want it, Renjun will allow it just this once. He lets out a nervous laugh under his breath and raises his eyes to look at Mark. He’s flustered and anxious but he thinks,

“Okay.”

Mark smiles. He looks nervous too. “Okay?”

Renjun nods.

Mark leans over to him slowly and he reaches out to wrap a palm on the side of Mark’s neck, bringing Mark closer. He hears Mark’s stuttered breaths before he pulls Mark into a kiss. Mark starts them off gentle but Renjun needs more and he isn’t shy to voice it out by gripping Mark’s arm and pulling him closer and away from the driver’s seat. Mark takes it all in admirably, one hand tilting Renjun’s jaw up while his other busies to recline Renjun’s chair back. Renjun falls with the chair and Mark doesn’t pull away from the kiss still when he climbs over the gearstick and straddles himself over Renjun. Renjun holds him tight for fear that he’ll fall off which makes Mark laugh breathily but he wastes no time to claim Renjun’s lips again. Mark presses himself against Renjun as he kisses Renjun deeper and the pooling of heat between them makes Renjun heady in a way he wants to be. He kisses Mark harder. He trails his hand down the side of Mark’s torso, feels Mark shiver under his touch, and tugs out Mark’s shirt from where it is neatly tucked in. He slips a warm palm under the thin fabric to trace along Mark’s back. Mark whines in his throat at the flitter of Renjun’s fingers over his spine and he retaliates by moving strategically above Renjun, driven by lust and he smiles at the gasp Renjun lets out.

Renjun clutches Mark’s waist to ground his mind before he completely loses himself. He gingerly slides his palms from there to Mark’s thighs. He inhales through his mouth, his voice strained when he speaks. “How far are we taking this?”

Mark kisses under his jaw feverishly. “What do you want?”

Nothing to fret over.

“This is fine.” He sucks in a breath when Mark dips down to latch onto his collarbone. He feels his stomach churn like it’s satiated. He holds Mark steadily, slides a hand back up Mark’s waist and rubs circles into Mark’s skin. He lets out a breath when he feels Mark marking his skin. “Kissing is fine.”

“Great,” Mark laughs breathlessly. Mark comes back up to look at him and he grants Mark a smile as he cards his fingers delicately through Mark’s hair. He leans up, noses along Mark’s jaw before he ghosts over Mark’s lips and kisses him again. Mark returns it hungrily. He swallows Mark’s meaningless noises, drowns his own by keeping his mouth occupied with Mark’s.

He loses track of time, finds himself pliant and giving in easily into the sighs Mark presses into his mouth. When they finally pull apart and Mark catches his breath with his forehead resting on Renjun’s shoulder, Renjun takes the time to lean his head back against the headrest, one of his hand still attached to Mark’s back to keep him from falling. He lets a laugh slip out of his mouth without meaning to. It buzzes deep in his chest, tickles his throat and comes out sounding pleased.

Mark lifts his head to look at him amusedly. Mark looks cute — flushed cheeks, damp hair plastered to his forehead and round curious eyes taking up half of his face, still hooded and blissed out.

Renjun shakes his head with a smile, tells Mark he can’t believe what the both of them just did in his car. Mark laughs, tells him he doesn’t have to stress over it as long as they both had fun. And he’s right, Renjun did enjoy himself. He feels great in fact, in a way he hasn’t felt like in a while. It feels gratifying, strangely, but he basks in it as much as he can. He knows without asking that Mark feels just as great too.

They both don’t make an effort to move, too busy catching their breaths and bringing their minds back from the blissful state they’ve lost themselves to. After Renjun’s collected himself, he tells Mark he should probably head up to his room. Mark gets the hint and climbs off him. He steals a light slap of Mark’s ass as Mark crawls his way back to the driver’s seat just to play with him. Mark yelps out a laugh.

“Give me your number,” Mark insists before Renjun gets out.

Here’s the thing: Renjun doesn’t usually play around. Mark is the first exception in a long while. Renjun’s long past giving chances to persons he barely knows and dealing with the consequences after. He tells Mark truthfully he’d rather not exchange numbers if Mark has any intentions of sleeping with him or having a mutually beneficial relationship.

Mark mocks a hurt expression. “I can’t even be your friend?”

Renjun contemplates it. He sighs in the end and reaches for his phone. He holds it out for Mark pointedly. “Only because I had fun and I think you’re not so bad. I guess.”

“Damn, an approval?” Mark’s lips slant up as he exchanges his own phone for Renjun’s. “I feel so achieved.”

Renjun tells him to shut up.

He gets back his phone and pockets it. Mark sends him a smile which he rolls his eyes at before he gets out and closes the door. Mark winds the window down so he peers in, his arms resting on the ledge. His brows knit together as he takes Mark in. “I’m serious though, don’t be expecting or wanting anything from me. I can’t offer you anything.” _I’m going through a lot right now. You’ll regret ever wanting anything to do with me. You’ll just end up disappointed._

Mark shrugs, giving him an easy smile. “It’s cool. I just think you’re neat.”

Renjun scrunches his face, doesn’t know what part of him Mark considers ‘neat’. He shakes his head with a frown and moves back. Mark gives him a wide smile regardless which he finds himself ultimately scoffing and softening at, and relents into giving Mark a small smile in return. He huffs out a breath at the tinkle of Mark’s laugh but he doesn’t make to linger around. He promptly turns and makes his way towards the lobby. Mark shouts him a quick goodnight and he throws a casual hand in the air without looking back, waving lazily to acknowledge it. He hears Mark’s chuckle before the roar of the engine takes over the night.

Renjun lets out a heavy sigh in the elevator, running his hand through his already tussled hair as he slumps back against the wall. He doesn’t know what came over him in the car, suddenly acting like his younger self again who was always ablaze with spirit. He laughs under his breath, reminded of how he was once that kid who refuses to be tied down by academic obligations or to settle down and get his shit together. He misses his stupid, careless self. He had a lot of fun then. Now he’s just-

He’d like to think he’s doing better now considering he’s wiser and older and doesn’t do any stupid things without thinking anymore. Yet sometimes he finds himself wondering if his younger self saw him today, would he say that he’s better off now than he was then? He thinks about it more than he’d like to admit. He always hopes the answer is yes.

It would make everything feel pointless otherwise.

—

Renjun wasn’t going to meet Mark a third time. He’d given his number to Mark because Mark had wanted it, but it didn’t mean he was going to go out of his way to get to know Mark. He wasn’t even keen on it in the first place. But Mark had texted him out of the blue one evening and he’s convincing enough that Renjun had bothered to reply and now he’s actually contemplating leaving the dorms for the first time in two weeks.

**_Mark_ **

_If you don’t reply I’ll take it as a yes_

**_Me_ **

_I don’t go to clubs_

**_Mark_ **

_I know that’s false_

**_Me_ **

_You happened to meet me on the rare time I actually went to one_

_doesn't count_

**_Mark_ **

_It’ll be fun I promise!_

_No funny business either_

_I just think you’d really enjoy this one_

He leans back against his chair, stares at the journal article opened on his laptop. He thinks and thinks and tries to come up with a reply. _I’m not in the best state right n—_ no, that’s too — _idk I kinda just want to be alon—_ no, that sounds stupid. He takes in a breath, taps his screen repeatedly in contemplation and types out a reply he thinks doesn’t tell too much about him.

**_Me_ **

_And if it’s not fun?_

Mark’s message comes fast and it reads easily, smooth like the flow of water over pebbles in a stream, like how Mark always appears to be.

**_Mark_ **

_I’ll make it up to you ;)_

Renjun scoffs and puts his phone away. Mark Lee is going to set himself up for disappointment at this rate, and it’s not like Renjun hasn’t warned him. Renjun has to sort out his own feelings first before he can accept or give any to anyone. And the thing is, he’s been trying, for a long while now, trying to understand why he feels like this, why he prefers staying in bed on hours, why he lies to Jaemin about not wanting to hang out even if he loves Jaemin like his own brother, why he doesn’t have an appetite on some days. He thinks he knows why but the idea of spelling it out and admitting his problems to himself is scary.

He thinks it’s just a phase he’ll get over eventually.

Hopefully.

At five minutes to eight, Mark calls him. He throws on a jacket and puts on his shoes. He grabs all his things in one hand and goes down to the lobby to wait for Mark to pick him up.

Mark has a cheery smile for him when he enters the car. Mark has the heater turned up which he appreciates. Mark tells him he looks nice and he offers Mark a smile in thanks, saying he looks good too. Conversations with Mark are always easy and he finds himself comfortable being in Mark’s presence in no time despite it being their third meeting. They did make out on the first and second one so that brings them a whole lot of steps forward. Renjun finds that he doesn’t really mind the weird way their friendship works, if friendship is the right word to describe it. Whatever it is, it works well enough for them.

“I thought you wouldn’t come. You sounded pretty adamant you didn’t want to.”

Renjun hums, basking in the warmth of his seat. It’s pleasant and cozy. “You sounded like you were going to cry if I rejected your invite.”

Mark scoffs, hides his laugh when he checks the rearview mirror. Renjun hides his own smile as he turns to look out the window.

He really wasn’t planning on accepting Mark’s invite but he figured going out and having some fun would be good for him. Jaemin says he’s been glooming around although he’s not quite sure what that means. He’s merely been carrying out his normal routine of school and dorms and everything banal in between, all that while trying to keep his head above all of his assignments, reports and experiments. He doesn’t see where he’s ‘glooming around’ in between all these things. Jaemin sounded glad though, when he updated Jaemin he’ll be out late tonight.

Mark had invited him out to watch some performances and to let Mark know that he’s not tagging along reluctantly, he tells Mark that he’s looking forward to seeing them. Mark says he is too. Mark dives eagerly into talking about the last time he listened to the band that’s performing tonight and Renjun listens intently, his smiles and laughter at Mark’s animated speech completely genuine. It feels relieving to not force out his reactions. He registers Mark’s laugh through a hazy mind and only realises he’s been dozing off when Mark calls him out for it. He lets out a laugh sleepily, embarrassed and surprised that he managed to somehow fall asleep. He hides his fragility in another weak laugh, asks Mark if Mark would mind him getting some shut eye for a while. He casually confesses he hasn’t slept in two days.

Mark’s gaze lingers on his face a little too long to be considered casual. Renjun feels the worry radiating off of Mark and consciously shifts his gaze away. Mark doesn’t point out Renjun’s behaviour, in fact Mark doesn’t say much, just asks if Renjun is comfortable with the heater. He says he is. Mark gives him soft smile, tells him he’ll wake him up when they’re about to reach.

Renjun doesn’t know why he hadn’t expected this. Mark had told him enough for him to expect something of this sort but his mind didn’t piece ‘band performance’ and ‘club’ together to give him a picture of a _rave_. He stares worryingly at the dancing crowd drowned in flashes of pink and purple as he follows Mark further into the club. He feels out of place. Mark orders them drinks from the bar, passes one to Renjun and they squeeze their way to the tables at the back. Renjun sits on the edge of the leather seat, eyeing Mark hesitantly, unsure of what to do. He’s still trying to comprehend that there’s a rave going on behind them.

Renjun scans the people around them, trying to see if there are any familiar faces. Mark had mentioned that his friends would be here. Renjun asks where they are.

“Dancing!” Mark speaks loudly to be heard above the music blasting through the speakers. “I had to fetch you first so I told them to start without us!”

Renjun widens his eyes at the revelation, quickly ushers Mark to go find his friends. Mark waves him off, says he should stay with Renjun since he was the one who offered the invite. Renjun feels like he’s stealing Mark away from his friends and tries to persuade Mark that he’ll be fine but Mark insists on being a good host. Like he does whenever he’s around Mark, he relents. Mark stays with him, true to his words, and Renjun notes that the music here is admittedly to his taste, just like Mark promised over their texts.

Mark shrugs when Renjun voices it out. “You liked the songs I played when I drove you back. I’ve watched this band before so I thought you might like them too.”

Renjun does. He thanks Mark for thinking of him. He can’t see why Mark would, or anyone really, although he doesn’t mention this part.

“It’s too easy not to,” Mark answers with an effortless smile, which Renjun makes a face at. He does offer Mark a harmless scoff after for Mark to laugh at.

Renjun knew the night would inevitably come down to this: Mark asking him to dance with him. Renjun refuses but he thinks the both of them saw this coming too. Push and pull seems to be a recurring past-time between them. Renjun’s caught by surprise however when Mark ignores all the reasons he splutters out for refusing and literally pulls him to his feet, dragging him to the dance floor with a devilish grin. Renjun lets out a laugh of disbelief and when they’re right in the heat of the dance floor, he tries to run away. Unfortunately for him, he discovers how hard it is to squeeze his way out when he’s completely surrounded by a crowd of people who are too immersed in the music to hear him. Mark is quick to smartly get a hold of his waist, turning him back around so smoothly that he isn’t able to react fast enough. He comes to face Mark, sees him painted in flashing multi-coloured neon, a clear fondness in his smile at Renjun’s pathetic escape attempt.

“Please,” Renjun laughs with Mark at his lame escape, his tone bordering between whining and persuasion. Mark’s fingers are gentle on his waist, keeping him close. He presses his lips together to give Mark an apologetic smile. “I’d rather not dance.”

“Please?” Mark repeats instead, a hopeful tone in his voice wishing for Renjun to stay. “This is the fun part. I’ll stay close to protect you, I promise. You’ll be fine.”

Renjun shakes his head but Mark starts swaying them, raising a brow suggestively in a playful enough manner that it feels ridiculous. But Mark seems intent on making him dance so he sighs as he gives in and moves along to the music. He removes Mark’s hands from his waist since he’s not going to run away and Mark concedes, putting them momentarily in front of his own chest. Mark’s laugh tinkles like crystals as he watches Renjun groove and he raises his arms in the air, grooving along with him. Renjun feels silly dancing like this but the beat of the number picks up and he finds himself jumping with everyone else in no time.

The thumping of the drums rattles down to his bones, the bass resonates as one with his heart and the guitar rift rips his eardrums apart but he feels incredible. He’s never felt more alive.

Mark was right to say that he’d enjoy himself here. Apart from the bodies around him and the lack of personal space, everyone around him is bouncing along with him to the heavy bass pounding from the speakers, the music seeping into his veins, thrumming under his skin. It’s like he’s in a trance, a happy once, one that makes him feel a million things all at once. He feels eternal, like he’s immortalised in this moment instead of the moment being immortalised in his mind. He feels capable beyond his capabilities. He’s smiling, so very brightly and he only knows this because Mark is pointing it out to him.

“You have a pretty smile,” Mark tells him, a string of words that glazes affectionately over a pain forcefully suppressed to be forgotten. Like the way a mother’s hug would instantly unravel everything you’ve been keeping clenched tight and break you apart with devastating warmth, Mark’s words drive an ache into his chest and washes him over with comfort. To be seen, to be seen when he’s not at the lowest point in his life, to be seen where he’s genuinely happy even if in this small moment, it feels like a dream.

“Thank you,” Renjun smiles, one that he’s been waiting for a long time. Mark smiles at him, an understanding shining in his eyes. It only makes Renjun smile wider. He shakes his head with the music, his hair falling every which way which makes Mark laugh at him for it. He laughs and breathes, feels the air expanding in his lungs. Breathe and live, Jaemin always tells him. It feels like he’s doing exactly that, like he’s reverted back to the years he used to live each day on the edge, spending them to the fullest.

The hype of the music descends eventually but it’s nowhere near mellow going by how people are still jumping to the addictive beat. Renjun feels dizzy, a good kind of dizzy from all the dancing and stops to catch a breath. Mark sidles close to him, holds his elbow gingerly to steady him and asks him if he’s okay.

He doesn’t think too much like how he always does. He raises his head to meet Mark’s eyes and surges forward unthinkingly to kiss him. Right here in the middle of the crowd, he kisses Mark like he’ll cease to exist if he doesn’t.

If Mark’s caught by surprise, Mark recovers quickly. Mark’s hands naturally find their way to Renjun’s sides as he allows Renjun to press a kiss against his lips. Renjun can feel Mark being hesitant and he thinks he’s to blame because of all the signals he’s sent Mark tonight. But he wants this, might even need it — to share the complexity of the feelings he feels with Mark, so he grabs Mark by his nape and kisses him rougher. It shatters away any reservation Mark has and Mark hurriedly kisses him back, an exchange of desperate breath for desperate breath, his tongue hot and silky against Renjun’s. Their breathy laughters sneaked in between their kisses play an additional melody to the harmony of their ragged breathing.

“What’s going on?” Mark rasps when he catches his breath, his tone tender but confused. Renjun shakes his head and simply pulls him back in, kissing him breathless in place of an explanation. He hopes his smile assures Mark that he’s having fun. Mark accepts it, whether or not he believes it is another thing itself, and he takes over the pace into something lighter and sweeter but his kisses remain just as hungry. With his eyes closed, Renjun imagines he’s twenty again and blissfully unworn down by troubles.

For this moment at least, he’s bound by nothing.

“Are you okay?” Mark asks him later when he’s resting his head in the crook of Mark’s neck, gulping for breath, a guitar riff echoing in his ears. Mark’s hands are steady on his back, holding him close like Mark had promised he would. Renjun breathes deeply and nods his head, whispering out a yes. He doesn’t realise his breath is trembling and that he’s been muttering yes repeatedly until Mark pulls his face up to look at him. Mark’s brows are knitted together and the concern in his eyes brings back the ache in his chest.

Mark sounds like he’s underwater and he nods belatedly in response to Mark repeatedly calling his name. Mark sounds less fuzzy now that he’s attuned to Mark once more and Mark tells him he’s going to bring him back home. He doesn’t argue. Mark leads them out and back to the car and he falls asleep halfway through the ride back. When he wakes, he realises they must have been parked in front of his dorm building for a while because he wakes to Mark watching him. It dawns upon him that Mark’s been letting him sleep instead of waking him up. He sits straighter, dazedly asks how long has Mark been waiting for him to wake. Mark tells him not more than ten minutes but everything in his tone and his smile feels like a lie. Renjun doesn’t call him out on it, thanks him instead for letting him sleep. Mark smiles, this time genuine and conveying care and it makes Renjun’s chest rattle with ache once more.

Feeling like he’s vulnerable, he feels the urgent need to leave because he’s scared of how Mark reads him but Mark grabs his arm before he goes.

He tells Mark’s he’s fine when Mark asks if he needs someone to accompany him up. He jokes, tells Mark to get his head out of the gutter but it’s a joke Mark doesn’t buy. Mark is asking not out of lust or personal gain but because he’s concerned and while Renjun craves it, the blunt care directed towards him, it’s so foreign that he pushes it away. He tells Mark he’ll be okay and hopes Mark can’t tell that he’s lying. Mark presses his lips together, nods understandingly and watches as Renjun leaves.

Renjun takes the elevator to the fifth floor and knocks on Jaemin’s door. It’s two a.m. in the morning and he fears Jaemin might be sleeping but-

Jaemin rubs his eyes as he opens the door, a puzzled expression on his face at the sight of him. He asks if he can come in. Jaemin turns around and wordlessly cocks his head in as an answer. Renjun enters.

Jaemin lives in a single room like he does. The room consists of a bathroom, a kitchenette by the front door, a single bed and a wardrobe at the foot of it. A study desk stands at the opposite wall of the wardrobe by the window and next to it is a shelf where Jaemin keeps all his things. Renjun invites himself to sit on the floor, resting his back against Jaemin’s bed. Jaemin stands before him, hands on his waist as he blankly asks Renjun why he’s here.

Renjun tries to speak. He can’t because he doesn’t know exactly why he’s here. He doesn’t want to be alone he thinks, but saying that aloud sounds weird and he doesn’t know how Jaemin would take it either. When he doesn’t say anything and avoids looking at Jaemin’s eyes, Jaemin sighs and asks him if he’s hungry. He nods and Jaemin starts the water boiling.

While Jaemin tears open the ramen packets and cooks them, he asks Renjun how his night went. Renjun tells him. He tells him all about Mark, the club, the rave. Jaemin expectedly teases him about Mark. He had that one coming, he did mention to Jaemin he didn’t want to fool around yet he’s kissed Mark every single time they met. He tells Jaemin despite everything between Mark and him, his stance on hooking up still hasn’t changed. He also tells Jaemin earnestly about how he’s never felt that alive in a while. And that it felt really, really nice to feel again.

Jaemin snorts harmlessly, his back to Renjun while he mans the stove. “Well that’s life, isn’t it? The older you get the more tired you are of it. When you’re younger everything feels better.”

Renjun blinks and swallows the words in his throat. He feels them consume his lungs and flow in his bones as he tries to digest the weight of their truth, that maybe that is exactly what he is — tired and miserable as time ages him. Maybe things _were_ better when he was younger.

Jaemin throws a stack of newspapers onto the floor and places the pot of ramen in front of him. He accepts the pair of chopsticks that Jaemin offers. Jaemin asks him to dig in and he does, chewing blankly, his mind someplace else.

He thinks of his choice to study further, of his ongoing stress-inducing research in the lab, thinks of the last time he’s seen his family, of the last time anyone had done anything for him. He thinks of Mark, a little more than a stranger who’s given him more in the few times they’ve met than he’s received in the past months. He thinks of Jaemin, who’s always stood by him no matter the shit he pulls, or how hard he makes things for Jaemin, or even now when he comes unannounced. Even now, when he feels like he’s the loneliest he’s ever been.

His chest tightens and his throat feels constricted. Everything is choked up inside him. It feels like he’s trapped in a deep well — the water level is rising and there’s no way to stop it. He breathes heavily, tries to tame the emotions striving to crawl free from their cages and pushes them back down.

“Renjun?” Jaemin asks gingerly, taking in the abrupt halt in his movements and his vacant eyes where he stares absently at the pot. “Renjun, hey? Is everything okay?”

Renjun blinks and raises his eyes to look at Jaemin. His chest is brimming with ache so piercing he thinks he might not be able to breathe. His gaze shakes and he searches for something in Jaemin’s eyes that can stop him from submerging under. Everything inside him feels twisted with something that’s come alive, a dormancy that’s had enough and is rebelling against his will. A fierce loneliness and helplessness wanting to be heard, to be admitted and acknowledged and eat him up alive. He feels weaker by each second, feels weaker when Jaemin stares at him worriedly. He’s utterly defeated when the first drop of tear falls onto his cheek, hot and frantic.

Jaemin whispers his name in a gasp.

“I think you’re right,” he whispers, more tears flowing down his cheeks. He swallows thickly, glad for the tears that blur out the concern on Jaemin’s face. He feels ashamed. “I think I’m just so tired of everything.” 

He hears how frightened he sounds as well. He’s scared he might be punished by a higher power somewhere for being weak. He’s afraid he’ll be scorned upon by the universe for making a big deal out of nothing, for being unable to live as easily as others do. But he’s tried, he’s tried so hard to pretend otherwise and to not feel like this but—

“It’s just so hard.” More tears start pushing out against his will and he surrenders to them entirely. The ache in his chest grows so strong that it strikes at the very core of his heart and it pulses through him whole, a heaviness seeping into him like poison. “And I don’t know why,” he croaks, a plea for help in the way he sounds broken. Jaemin immediately pushes everything out of the way and rushes forward to gather him in his arms, like he can’t be pieced back otherwise. He crumbles too easily in Jaemin’s hold.

“I don’t know what to do. I think it’s me. I think there’s something wrong with me,” he whispers bleakly into Jaemin’s chest. It feels so relieving to admit something he’s been so afraid of saying. But it’s as terrifying as it is relieving and he shuts his eyes closed, scared that something’s going to happen to him for confessing his woes. He waits and waits, for a strike or a blow or a sign that he’s done something unforgivable. He cries in fear and regret but nothing happens to him other than Jaemin’s firm hands embracing him tighter and Jaemin telling him that he’s okay. _You’re okay, there’s nothing wrong with you. You’re okay, you did nothing wrong._ Jaemin whispers repeatedly into his hair, caressing his head softly. He sags against Jaemin as Jaemin pulls him out of the water. He breathes in and out and lets the comfort Jaemin gives him fight the dullness that’s consumed him. If he knew that someone would hold him close like this and tell him that it’s not wrong to feel the way he feels, he would have come to terms with himself earlier. He wouldn’t have to pretend to not be miserable for so long. He wouldn’t have to learn to live alone in the dark.

—

Jaemin is loud when he’s worried, both in words and actions, so it’s no surprise that he texts Renjun whenever he’s on break and knocks on Renjun’s door after dinner on some nights to check on him. He drags Renjun out of the lab to have lunch together and in return Renjun doesn’t push away Jaemin’s concern to show that he appreciates it. He even asks Jaemin to have supper together with him sometimes. Jaemin doesn’t fuss over him obsessively because Jaemin knows he’s not comfortable handling such a load but Jaemin shows that he cares enough to remind him that he’s never alone. A small reminder like that does a lot for him to brave through the weary days.

He’s been in the library since morning today, reading science journals on his laptop and doing some research. His phone pings with a notification from Jaemin reminding him to eat lunch. He replies Jaemin saying he had a sandwich earlier. His phone pings again, this time Jaemin attaches a link to a website and when Renjun opens it, he stares at it a while. Jaemin tells him to consider it if he thinks he needs it, but Renjun thinks he’ll figure things out on his own first before he reaches out for help. He thanks Jaemin for it and tells him he’ll give it some thought. Jaemin sends him hearts in return which makes him smile.

“Who’s making you smile like that?”

Renjun whips his head up, sees Mark standing in front of the table he’s seated at. He drops his head down and lets out an incredulous laugh, baffled that they somehow coincidentally meet yet again. He raises his head back up to look at Mark, nodding when Mark gestures to the empty chair in front of him. It’s just Jaemin, he answers Mark belatedly as Mark settles in his seat. Mark squints, a feigned displeased expression on his face making it look like he regards Jaemin a competition. Renjun rolls his eyes, reminds Mark there isn’t even a competition in the first place and that Jaemin’s his best friend anyway. Mark laughs, seemingly satisfied at getting the reaction he had wanted out of Renjun. Renjun asks Mark teasingly if Mark had been stalking him again. He’s caught by surprise when Mark says he’d actually been studying at the table a few shelves behind for a few hours now when he had suddenly spotted Renjun only a few moments ago.

“So you just decided to move here and join me?”

“Why not? I’ve been meaning to ask how you were anyway,” Mark notes, watching him carefully. He gives Renjun an easy smile, all warm and soft, bedtime stories by the fireplace. “How are you?”

“Better,” Renjun says truthfully, doesn’t explain anything more than that. “Better. There’s nothing to be worried about, if you were.”

“I was but I’m glad to hear you’re okay.”

Renjun offers a thankful smile in return. “I’m sorry about that night. I got shaken up and I just needed to clear some stuff up with myself. Breathe some air, clear some thoughts.”

Mark nods, says he kind of gets it. He gives Renjun a smile before he returns back to his work and so does Renjun. They work together in silence and it’s only after another hour passes that Mark speaks up again. He looks contemplative from the way his fingers keep drumming on the table. He wonders loudly if Renjun likes the beach.

Renjun looks at him strangely and nods, unsure. He reveals he likes the beach a lot.

Mark lets out a nervous exhale as he holds Renjun’s gaze. “I discovered this place a few weekends back. I’d like to show it to you. I think you’d like it.”

Renjun stares at him. He can’t mean now?

“Yeah, right now.” A grin breaks out on Mark’s face and he laughs breathily at Renjun’s stumped reaction. “Come on!”

Renjun flusters to gather his things and when he’s about done, Mark grabs his arm and pulls him out of the library. He follows in a daze as Mark whips back to send him a cheery smile, rambling on about how excited he is for Renjun to see it himself.

Mark leads them to his car and Renjun falters by the door because he’s still trying to comprehend what the hell is going on. He only steps in obligingly when Mark opens the door for him. He blankly puts his seatbelt on, asks Mark when Mark slides into the driver’s seat if he’s seriously driving them to the beach on a school day at six in the evening.

Mark’s reply comes in the form of a raised brow and a smug grin, then he starts them off on the road. Renjun runs his hand through his hair as the wind greets him through the opened window. He says loudly against the roaring wind that he thinks Mark is crazy but Mark calls him the same because they’re both in this together. He laughs freely and it brews a warmth in his chest. He feels really, really great.

“I’m glad,” Mark says, his eyes trained on the road but his smile is for Renjun. Renjun keeps the memory of it like he would a picture in a locket— safely, cherishingly. “You’ll feel even better when we get there, I promise.”

Mark makes a lot of promises. Renjun doesn’t know if he should trust them.

“Well,” Mark glances at him. “I’ve never broken a promise, have I?”

No, and that’s why he’s looking forward to wherever Mark is taking them.

The beach is a twenty minutes’ drive away, the coastline a comfortable distance from their school. The beach is as good as empty when they arrive, it’s just like how Renjun likes it — only a handful of people strolling along the shore or standing peacefully on the pier and enjoying the calming view of the sea. Renjun expects Mark to bring them to nearer to the water but Mark leads them away from it instead, to a path between shrubs, weeds and scratchy twigs. Renjun whines at the unexpected trek but Mark tells him in a laugh to shut up and that he’ll appreciate it later on. Renjun groans in retaliation but Mark tells him they’re almost there.

Almost there comes in the form of more trekking between trees and bushes at the rear of the beach and a breathless incline up a steep path. Mark climbs up a cluster of boulders with practiced grace and offers a hand to heave Renjun up. From there it’s flat ground to Renjun’s relief and Mark jogs forward excitedly, throwing his head back to give Renjun a charming grin as he urges him to move quicker. Mark runs further ahead and abruptly stops before he turns and waves Renjun over. The wind blows Mark’s clothes and hair about and he has to squint from its ferocity to look at Renjun. It hums lowly in Renjun’s ears, a kind greeting that brings fleeting memories of the beach through his mind. He lunges forward against the gust of air, his own shirt flapping behind him as he moves. When he comes to where Mark stands, Mark stretches an arm out to the sky in front of them to present it to him and that’s when he sees that they’re at the edge of a small cliff, right in time to witness the gracing of the sunset. The cliff is at the far side of the beach with most of the sand and sea residing to their left. Like this, he gets the entire view and it’s nothing but breathless. He sees the waves kissing the shore pleasantly and the shore greeting the sea amicably in return. There are only two other people on the beach now, one on the pier staring out at the warm sky while the other’s down at the shore enjoying the waves lapping up their legs. Despite the stretched distance, Renjun can still hear the crash of the waves clearly. The breeze tussles his hair and brings him the smell of salt, a refreshing yet nostalgic scent that he only realises he misses once he’s smelt it. There’s a magnificent feeling swelling in his chest, to be standing at a gorgeous height and to have a beautiful view laid out in front on him. It’s a special feeling he wants to keep dear — pretending he’s at the edge of the world with nature smiling at him and greeting him in a soft, hazy glow. It feels like if he reaches out, he can cup the retreating sun in his hands and everything is well within his reach.

And it’s like hopelessness becomes a foolish thing and dread is something of folklore, a myth rather than a reality.

It’s like nothing bad can touch him here.

“Sit with me.”

Renjun blinks out of his daze, sees Mark sitting dangerously at the edge. But Mark’s been here before and he looks anything but terrified so Renjun trusts him. He tentatively sits beside Mark, their legs dangling over the edge of the cliff that grants them the view of the beach. The sunset is visible now and it tints the sky with silky gold. This moment is exactly how Renjun wants his life to feel like.

He takes it all in, lets out an exhale as he watches the horizon. “Will we die if we fall from here?”

Mark laughs abruptly at the quirkiness of his question. “Yeah, likely. So don’t do anything stupid.”

Renjun hums. “I won’t.”

“It’s beautiful, isn’t it?” Mark nods his head towards the reflection of the sunset on the sea. The wind still plays with his hair. “I found this spot with my brother a few weeks ago. It’s one of my favourite places now.”

“It is. I like it here, you were right.” Renjun admits. He feels the tufts of grass under his fingers. “It makes me forget about things.”

“I’m glad. Things are stupid,” Mark smiles to himself. “Things should just leave us alone sometimes.”

“All the time,” Renjun speaks.

Mark turns to look at him. His eyes twinkle. “All the time! Exactly!”

Renjun laughs weakly. He brings his legs up and bends his knees, perching his chin on top of them as he stares at the beach. “Do you think if I scream, the people down there can hear me?”

“There’s only one way to find out,” Mark shrugs with a playful smirk on his face, his smile easy like a boat sailing along with the wind, easy like nursery rhymes. Mark cups his hands around his mouth and he yells so loudly that Renjun flinches. He glances at the two people at the beach to see if Mark’s yelling had startled them. Not a bit. It’s either they can’t hear it and even if they can, it’s probably faint enough that they don’t pay any mind.

Mark turns his head to Renjun, grinning delightedly. He turns back to the beach, his legs still dangling freely as he sucks in a breath and yells again. Renjun watches him, the way the breeze ruffles his hair, the glow of the retiring sun on his face, a lovely rosiness on the high ends of his cheeks.

“They can’t hear a single thing!” Mark laughs and Renjun’s heart softens around the edges at the sound of it.

He gets up and sits on his knees. “Let me try.”

He gathers his breath, leans his body forward and shouts at the vastness of the sky. He hears Mark laugh beside him. He laughs too, takes in another deep inhale and shouts the loudest he can possibly muster himself to. It’s freeing. It’s like some weight in his chest leaves with it and he breathes easier, in a way that it hurts. It hurts because he’s been yearning to do this and to finally be brave enough to vent out the complexity inside him crushes him. It hurts in a delightful way that rips him into pieces because it makes him feel alive. His voice turns hoarse but he yells endlessly into the sky, the breeze placating him by kissing his cheeks, the sun hugging him with her elegant glow.

“Hey,” Mark says when he’s catching his breath, Mark’s hands gentle on his shoulders to pull him back. He sits back down and Mark’s voice reaches out to him, soft and calming like a lullaby. “You’ve been through a lot, haven’t you?”

Renjun smiles wearily. “I’ve been struggling,” he says, his eyes staring out as the sun sinks into the sea. The wind grows weaker, but it’s only time before it picks up again. It feels like he’s being heard, that this moment has been granted to him, so he swallows and continues. “I have been for a while. I didn’t actually admit it until, well,” he breaks into a bittersweet smile, “I think you’re smart enough to guess when. I’ve been feeling like there’s this weight that’s been pulling me down and making me feel so bleak all the time.” He turns his head to meet Mark’s eyes, finds Mark intently listening to him. Mark’s sincerity gives him courage to continue. “I think it’s because I can’t see my purpose in life. It feels like I’m mostly drifting aimlessly? I mean, I’m doing what I want but I don’t see why it’s worth putting myself through so much for. Or maybe I just lost the sight of it.”

“It feels like you’re living each day by just to get through them instead of living out every one of them,” Mark offers. Renjun stares at him and Mark gives him a weak smile.

He bites his lips, encouraged by Mark’s show of understanding to go on. “It’s weird, I live day by day thinking what’s the point of — sometimes I think I don’t have any worth?” He lets out in a rush. Mark listens attentively. “It’s weird because I’m doing what I want, I’m pursuing a fucking doctor’s degree and yet it feels like I’m not doing anything substantial with my life? And all the hours and sleepless nights I spend chasing after what I claim to be my dream seem pointless. I thought maybe it was me. Maybe I was doing things wrong. Seeing no one else feel the way I did made me feel bad about feeling this — and it makes me feel— I don’t know,” he shrugs, exhaling and looking away.

Hollow. Lost. Lonely.

“You don’t feel good about yourself and sometimes you even think the talents you have are useless to the world. You get discouraged and you can’t possibly be at a lower point in your life than you are now.”

Mark looks at him, waits to see if his guess is true. It is. He feels so discouraged and down, sees no point in doing anything, is embarrassed to carry this feeling with him around people so he keeps to himself. It makes him feel better but also worse because he gets so lonely that he craves company. It’s a whirlwind of things to process and he wishes it would just all go away instead of weighing him down endlessly.

He stares at Mark and swallows thickly. “You’ve been there?”

“My brother has,” Mark confesses, looking away. The sea’s swallowed the sun now and the night is shyly coming out to celebrate with stars. “I watched him struggle through everything. He’s much better now though, but it was... something. It was a lot actually.”

Renjun smiles emptily, stares out into the distance with him. “Must have been pretty, wasn’t it?”

Mark laughs, his voice cracking in the middle. He streams out a breath from his lips. His voice sounds rough when he speaks again. “It was horrible.”

Renjun knows too well. It feels like death from the inside.

“He went down a really rough path but we managed to turn him around before—” Mark cuts himself off, swallows difficultly. “I know I didn’t go through what he did but he’s my brother. His pain was as much mine as it was his.”

“I can imagine,” Renjun breathes out. “He’s lucky to have you.”

“I’m lucky to have him. As anyone is to have you. Your friends, Jaemin, me, your family. Your life isn’t pointless to them.”

Renjun’s stomach clenches. “Mark—”

“So trust me, when I say it’ll get better,” Mark says softly, squeezing his shoulder. “I promise.”

And because Mark never breaks his promises, Renjun nods his head. “Okay.”

Mark pulls him in abruptly and holds him in an embrace. He doesn’t fight it, he cherishes it, closes his eyes and rests his head over Mark’s shoulder. The hug feels really, really nice.

Mark laughs brightly, it feels like sunlight hitting coloured glass panes, rainbow shadows, summer breeze. He crushes Renjun closer. “It does, doesn’t it?”

Renjun nods, basking in the embrace. “Don’t push it though.”

“I’ll take my chances.”

Renjun smiles and wraps his arms around Mark, letting out a sigh that speaks his fears and gratitude. Mark hears them all and pats his back, like he’s telling Renjun he’s done a good job, like he knows that’s exactly what Renjun needs.

—

Renjun isn’t in the lab today. In fact he’s supposed to be doing his readings to present his findings for a lab meeting at the end of the week. Instead, he’s been lying unmoving on his bed from morning, a weary gloom residing in his bones. It’s not unfamiliar, sadly enough, and he’s learnt to let it pass instead of agonising over why he’s feeling this way. He lies still, staring at his ceiling and listening to the pattern of mechanical noises around him. He drags a pillow over his eyes to consume himself in darkness. He gropes around for his blanket and pulls it up to cover himself completely from head to toe. It’s a little hard to breathe but he feels better being in the dark like this. It feels like one of those matryoshka dolls, where he’s being kept hidden and secure by a system of multiple layers. He doesn’t know how long this weariness is going to last and it’s draining — it’s still seeping into him like poisoned water would a flower, there’s no way to expel it out nor stop it from coming in.

He doesn’t do anything for a while and then he suddenly contemplates a thought, eventually fishing for his phone somewhere on his bed. He successfully finds it and pushes the pillow away from his to face to check the time on his phone. The screen light pierces in his self-made darkness. He squints his eyes to adjust to the glaring whiteness of his screen. Thirty minutes have passed just like that. He stares at his phone, suddenly finding himself unable to send a text like he had initially wanted to. His fingers hover over his contacts list but he chickens out and drops his phone onto his stomach. The blanket falls back over him and he breathes heavily, chiding himself for being a coward. He immediately reconsiders sending the text again. He doesn’t want to offer himself to be perceived yet he doesn’t want to succumb to his thoughts like this any longer either. He sighs, grabbing his phone back into his hands. He winces through the glaring brightness, opens up Mark’s contact and sends a _hey._ He puts his phone back down onto his stomach, is greeted by total darkness once more and wonders if he’s overstepping some boundaries by willingly texting Mark first. It’s ironical considering they’ve been ignoring boundaries from the moment they met.

But it’s different now. Because they actually know a bit too much about each other and Renjun might have to kill Mark if it comes down to it, or more terrifyingly, actually date him.

His phone pings with a notification and he braces the brightness to read Mark’s text. _Wow this is new. Usually you’re rejecting me._ Renjun tames an eye roll, finding there no point if Mark can’t see it. _What’s up?_

_Just feeling really sucky—_ no, that’s a bit— _Thought texting you would cheer me up—_ no, not this either. _I’m actually really sad right now haha—_ he’s insane.

He groans, types out _wanna meet?_ in the end and locks his phone immediately.

His phone lights up barely three seconds later. He pushes away his blanket and resurfaces from his cave, dragging himself to sit up against the headboard.

_Wow, you’re even asking me out? This really is new. I like it ;)_ The next text pops up. _Sure, I’m free. What do you have in mind?_

****

Renjun bites his lip. _The park near the school?_

**_Mark_ **

_Sweet. Where are you now?_

**_Me_ **

_Dorms. You?_

**_Mark_ **

_Otw to your dorms!_

_Meet me at the bus stop out front and we can walk there together?_

Renjun’s heart jumps but he feels like he’s pressuring Mark into it and quickly types out _you don’t have to if you don’t want to._

**_Mark_ **

_Don't be stupid_

_I’ll be there in ten_

Renjun sucks in a breath, a feeling coming to occupy his chest, one much lighter and blooms in him like flowers do when it rains after a drought. _Thank you._ He deletes it, afraid it might carry too much meaning.

**_Me_ **

_Great. See you_

When he meets Mark out at the bus stop, it’s late in the evening but Mark smiles at him like the day has just started and for Renjun, it honestly just did.

Mark greets him with a smile and a friendly clap of his shoulder. Renjun starts them walking along the pavement that leads to the outside of campus. He notes that Mark’s carrying a backpack and he wonders if he had unnecessarily dragged Mark out.

Mark shrugs, putting his hands in his pockets. “Nah, was just reading some journal papers in the library to escape being in the lab.”

Renjun scoffs. He mutters, “Should have known.”

Mark laughs, unembarrassed by the judge of character. “You? Why did you decide to pull me out on a date?”

_I was thinking of things and you somehow make me not think of them_. “Never said this was a date.”

“Never told me I couldn’t call it one.”

Renjun glances at him. “You’re really stubborn, aren’t you?”

Mark grins. “When it comes to you, yeah.”

Renjun huffs out a breath and directs the conversation away from himself, relieved when Mark dives into a ramble about how his day went. It’s a nice change from listening to the thoughts in his head.

They end up lounging on the grass with a view of the river in front of them after a ten minutes’ walk in the park. The sun is setting and the sky has mellowed enough that they’re content with resting without a shade to seek refuge from. They don’t have a mat either, just a bottle of soda and a packet of chips to share between them from the convenience store they dropped by on the way here. The spot they’ve chosen isn’t overcrowded, just the nice amount of people around them to make it feel lively enough. Mark is sitting next to him, both their knees bent towards their chest as they take in the way the river gleams under the praises of the sun.

“You know I wasn’t lying when I said I didn’t expect you to want to hang out.”

Renjun glances at him, a faint smile on his lips, then back at the river. “Yeah, me neither.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.” He shrugs a shoulder. “I guess I was just thinking about me. And you.”

“Oh?”

“Don’t push it,” Renjun punctuates clearly, sending him a warning glare without malice. “I was thinking about how I was just this sad thing inside a hollow shell, I guess? And then I thought about how different I felt for the first time in ages the night we met.”

He had a monotonous routine. His days all blended together. He studied and read, went to the lab, he was diligent but he was unmotivated. Extremely. To the point that his thoughts carry too much weight, heavy enough that they drag him around, demand to be listened to at night and he gives in because he’s weak. His head tells him he’s not worth anything and he grows insecure and lonely. And it’s vicious because he wasn’t always like this. First two to three years of college he played around a lot, he left worries for tomorrows and lived in the present. He was always spontaneous — random weekend trips, last minute parties, a whole trip overseas during one of his one week term break.

Then something in him clicked and he realised he wanted a PhD, really badly, because academia suits him. He likes learning and discovering. He was actually on a full ride for his undergrad studies and if he did well enough, he was confident he could bag another one for a PhD after he graduated. Since his tiny epiphany, he unlearned some habits and picked up new ones. He mellowed his lifestyle, got the doctorate scholarship. He was still happy, he liked going to the lab and carrying out his research even though the workload was horrible. So he didn’t know how he came to this, just that one morning he was tired of his routine. And the feeling stuck for a few mornings after that, and then it stuck long enough that he forgot what it was like to not feel that way anymore.

And when he met Mark, he got reminded of how he felt like during his early years of college — limitless and adventurous. He didn’t allow himself to be held back by anything, his mind was brimming with potential and his energy was bottomless even if he was less thoughtful and rational then.

He’s still brilliant now sure, he’s just not sure if he has the same energy as before. If that whole ‘limitless and adventurous’ was his core then, he’s lost it now. And he doesn’t know what he is nor what he’s meant to do with himself anymore.

And being reminded of the way he was before he got tired of everything, it was a form of solace from the deep well he was trapped in. A rope, a glimmer of light.

“So being with you,” Renjun continues, “I felt better. Somehow. Like I can find myself again.”

Mark doesn’t speak immediately, in fact he hasn’t been speaking the moment Renjun started sharing. Renjun thinks it’s very sweet even if it’s common courtesy because not everyone would care enough to listen. He’s grateful for Mark’s attention and silence, it makes him feel like his words carry meaning and his worries aren’t as stupid as he thinks they are.

Renjun gives a small laugh under his breath. “You and your stubbornness pulled me out of the fog I was in, in a way. Provided me a piece of clarity. I felt like I was living whenever I was with you. So, this is me thanking you.” Renjun looks earnestly at him. “Thank you.”

“My pleasure,” Mark speaks, smiling warmly, like snow melting to welcome spring. “I’m glad you could feel that way around me.”

“Yeah,” Renjun thinks. He smiles and lowers himself to lie on the grass. His hands rest comfortably on his stomach. “Yeah.”

Mark laughs and joins in beside him, his own hands beneath his head. “Yeah?”

“Yeah.” Renjun stares up at the sky. “I think I owe it to myself to make myself feel better. If people could genuinely care for me, I could do that for myself too. Stop giving in to stupid thoughts. It’s not as easy I guess, but I’ve got to start somewhere.” He breathes and the silence between them is respected until he confesses, “It’s why I’m here right now with you.” _Because you strangely always make the stupid thoughts go away whenever I’m with you._

It was partly why he gathered the courage to meet Mark instead of wallowing and succumbing to his thoughts all alone. He wanted to feel like how he felt a few years back but differently, he wants to pair that spirit he had with his present maturity and the wisdom he’s gained from pulling his life together. He wants to pick the best traits he’d shown then and now and combine them together to be the best version of him. He wants to find his own purpose and start living again.

“You’ll find it,” Mark tells him, turning his head to Renjun’s side profile. “It might take time but you’ll find it, the reason to look forward to each day. You’ll find that and you’ll enjoy it.”

“You think so?”

“Of course.”

Renjun hums, taking a deep inhale and closing his eyes. “Thanks. I guess you _are_ nice company to have around.”

Mark’s laugh tinkles bright and clear. It makes him smile. He feels Mark’s lips grazing his cheek, quick and gone the moment he registers it. He snaps his eyes open, finds himself wanting to smile while he tames the flutters breaking out in his stomach.

“That was unnecessary,” he points out, turning his face to level his eyes with Mark’s pointedly. He’s greeted by a pleasant grin on Mark’s face.

“I thought you’d like it,” Mark remarks, anything but demure. He eyes Renjun carefully, his smile only growing wider and more wicked. “I don’t think I was wrong though?”

“You’re on thin ice,” Renjun remarks at his audacity, turning away to hide his face lest a smile fuels Mark’s ego. It’s funny, it’s like they’re doing everything backwards. He’d made out with Mark before, a simple kiss on the cheek shouldn’t make him feel like this _._

“Don’t turn away,” Mark laughs, gentle fingers on his shoulder to persuade him to turn him back. Renjun does, sees Mark’s own cheeks adorning a pink shade and he thinks it’s so silly, them acting like this. He scoffs and settles himself comfortably beside Mark once more, taking in the twilight they’re drowning in.

It’s silly that they’re doing everything backwards but it doesn’t feel out of place at all. In fact, it works perfectly for them, whatever this is.

_“_ Thanks,” he hums a while later when the conversation has long ended and they’ve talked plenty enough for Mark to be confused at what Renjun is thanking him about. But Mark smiles, easy and sweet, charming and understanding. So Renjun knows, Mark gets him completely.

—

He gets better. Some days he feels great. But other days, he feels lower than he’s ever been. Today is one of the bad ones, possibly the worst so far. He hasn’t been answering his texts nor phone calls. Just sits in the library, music in his ears, hoodie pulled down beyond his eyes. When the fog in his head gets too cloudy and he can’t tell between what’s rational and what’s not, he impulsively packs his things and leaves. He doesn’t quite understand why he’s crying on the way back. He thinks it might be the music he’s listening to, an alternative answer to a truth that he doesn’t like. He hides his face as he walks on the way back and he runs a hot shower hoping it’ll comfort him and that his tears will stop soon enough. They don’t. He feels sick inside, a misery and loneliness screaming and scratching at him, desperate for him to do something to alleviate it all. It’s suffocating and frustrating because if he was able to make it all stop, he would have. On some days he feels like he can rule the world, and on days like today he feels utterly lost and worthless. And right now he’s lost all directions and doesn’t see the point of doing what he’s doing anymore.

He thinks he should leave.

Take a break.

Quit, maybe. Maybe.

He’s still choked up while he packs his bag, grabbing clothes and stuffing them in haphazardly. He thinks of a quick plan. He’ll leave, he’ll figure out where while he’s on the road, email his prof, text Jaemin. He just... sees no point. He’s smart, sure, but the world has plenty of smart people. What’s another PhD? What difference can he make? Maybe he’s chosen wrong. Maybe, maybe this isn’t for him. It’s all a little too much and underwhelming at the same time and he needs it all to _stop_. Maybe he can—while he’s on the road—find _alternatives,_ find an escape.

He needs an escape.

For now, he shrugs on his backpack and when he opens the door, Mark is there, his hand ready at a knock, his chest heaving up and down like he’d been running madly.

Renjun sucks in a breath out of surprise before guilt crawls in and churns in his stomach. Mark’s forehead creases looking at him. He takes in Renjun’s disheveled manner and the backpack on his back and he exhales knowingly. Renjun feels caught above being seen and he avoids Mark’s eyes to hide himself from being read even though he knows Mark can see how red his eyes are.

Mark pushes him back in and shuts the door behind them.

“Mark,” he croaks out weakly, guiltily. He stands there in the middle of his room unmoving while Mark fiercely tugs the backpack off his shoulders. He shakes his head, his tears flowing hotly down his cheeks. He keeps saying Mark’s name to make Mark stop and shaking his head vehemently in retaliation but Mark doesn’t relent. Mark struggles against his persistence and Mark wins with a furious tug that sends the bag falling heavily to the floor.

Renjun closes his eyes and feels the tears streaming down, feels shame eat him inside. Mark sighs, a tremble of a breath and pushes him to sit back down on the bed. Mark demands pleadingly why Renjun hadn’t been answering his phone and his cracked voice tells that he’s angry and above that, scared.

Renjun opens his eyes but he doesn’t look at Mark still. He shakes his head and hangs it low, he can’t bring himself to talk.

Mark lets out a breath and paces in front of him. He runs a hand through his hair distressingly. He turns back around and kneels in front of Renjun. There’s a pause that feeds to the thickening tension in the room. Mark reaches to hold Renjun’s hands on top of Renjun’s thighs.

“Where were you going? Were you leaving?”

Renjun bites his trembling lip and it takes a lot of courage to push away the shame and answer Mark. He mumbles out his words.

“Quit?” Mark asks, startled. “But you like it here. You like researching and learning and— you told me this. You said this was what you wanted.”

Renjun shakes his head repeatedly. “I did. I _did_ , but I just— I needed to escape,” he whispers through broken sobs.

Mark searches his eyes perplexedly. “What from?”

“Life?” He says desolately, finally meeting Mark’s eyes. An aching pain wails inside of him. The struggle he’s been facing has won him over and he wonders if the defeat is clear in his eyes. “It’s so hard. I can’t—I’m not getting better and I—”

“I thought you were doing good,” Mark reminds him, tugging his hands so he won’t look away from him. “Remember? When we grabbed lunch together?” The desperation in his voice only shatters Renjun further. “Remember? It was just last week. You told me you were feeling great. You told me.”

Renjun tells him he doesn’t know. He can’t control how he feels. He can only apologise repeatedly for making Mark worry uselessly and disappointing him. Mark frees a hand to brush away his tears, a gentle gesture despite the anger in his voice when he tells Renjun to stop spouting nonsense.

Mark wipes his cheeks, holds his face tender. Looking at Mark only makes him cry harder. He feels so pathetic and miserable, and—

“Extremely useless,” he whispers, his gaze shaking.

“You’re not,” Mark says firmly. “I know I say this all the time but you’re worth something. To your family, to your friends, to me. Everything you do has an impact! You don’t have to do anything big to feel important. When you smile at someone, you’re making their day! Someone thought of you over a song! Someone has you in their prayers! Your text made someone smile! Your purpose is in everything you do. _Everything._ You have purpose to the people around you.”

He shakes his head, looks at the floor.

“Renjun, come on, look at me. Please?” Mark asks gently, tucking Renjun’s hair behind his ear as he slowly brings his eyes to meet Mark’s again. “Even if you do feel the need to find something big to fill that void in your life, don’t quit. Nothing worth having comes easy. It will take a while for you to find it, but I swear once you do it’ll be a feeling so immense that it’ll make it all worth.” Mark presses his lips together. “Okay? You still with me?”

Renjun nods.

“That day will come but you have to fight to get there, okay? You have to fight but you won’t be alone. I’ll be here. You can ignore everyone else and push them away but not me. I’m telling you this so you know you have me even when it’s dark and you’re stumbling and you can’t see anything. You’ll still have me.”

Renjun nods meekly, says he’s sorry. Mark shakes his head and holds Renjun by his shoulders.

His voice is gentle and it calms Renjun. He’s the line that tugs Renjun back down from drifting away. “There’s nothing for you to be sorry for. Tell me you’re still going to try.”

Once Renjun promises, Mark lifts himself on his knees and pulls Renjun’s head into his chest. Renjun feels the relief flow through Mark’s whole body, lets it seep into him and dose him with hope and raw sincerity. It hurts but it hurts in the best way.

In a twist of things, he finds himself comforting Mark and wiping Mark’s tears away too.

There are sudden raps on the door. Mark rests his head on Renjun’s shoulder and laughs through his tears. “Fuck, that should be Jaemin. I kind of screamed at him over the phone when you wouldn’t pick up your calls. He must have rushed here from the lab.”

It makes Renjun smile. He smiles wider and even laughs at Jaemin’s disheveled appearance when Mark opens the door. And when Jaemin crushes him in a hug, he thinks Mark is right, a purpose doesn’t have to be big. It just has to be felt enough to make everything worth doing. It’ll take a lot for him to change and he’ll slip in between, and it’ll be scary. Change always is. But he’s made a promise to Mark that he’ll try and he thinks, this time, this time... he’ll turn out okay.

—

Against all the reservations he had and the signals he sent Mark before, against his better judgement, he thinks he’s falling for Mark. In a terrifying way where he craves exclusivity and not just fun, sweet spontaneous moments. He wants something firm, like a flower rooted into the ground and not just its pretty petals that turn fragile in the rain.

He’s here in Mark’s dorm room because it’s the weekend and Mark thought it would be nice if they hung out together. He owes Mark lunch anyway over a bet he lost they made on Jungwoo so he’s here with a box of pizza in the middle of Mark’s room floor.

Mark has his laptop set up in front of them, searching for the movie he had mentioned he wanted to introduce Renjun to. Renjun’s nervous because he’s been meaning to ask Mark out, in a be-my-boyfriend kind of way and he doesn’t know if Mark is okay with having more than what they have now. A part of him is sure that Mark does, but a part of him is reminded of all the times they’ve made out and he thinks maybe Mark might prefer the petals over the flower.

He’s going to try anyway.

“Are you okay?” Mark eyes him amusedly as he settles himself above the rug right next to Renjun, their backs against the bed. He flips open the pizza box and takes a slice out for Renjun and one for himself. “You’ve been quiet since you arrived.”

Renjun tames his nerves and glances at Mark with a raised brow. Was him being quiet starting to scare him?

“Yeah, like you’re silently plotting out my death or something. Do it out loud, I want to know how I’m dying.”

Renjun tells him from cyanide in the pizza, which makes Mark stare widely at the slice in his hand before he tells Mark to stop being delusional and put the movie on. The first part of the movie goes by silently at least, other than the sound of them munching and the movie itself. Renjun’s never watched it before but he doesn’t know what’s going on now either because he’s too busy watching Mark from the corner of his eyes, looking for the right time to bring a relationship up. How does he just slide it in casually? _Haha nice movie, you wanna date?_ He groans internally. Why is he such a loser.

“You’re not interested?” Mark asks abruptly from the side without looking at him, his face illuminated by the white and blue hues coming from the screen.

“No, it’s not that,” Renjun clears his throat, averting his gaze away from Mark’s face, embarrassed that Mark’s caught on to his lack of interest on the film. “I’m sorry, I just — stuff going on in my head.”

“Do you want to talk about it?” Mark asks him carefully, reaching out to pause the movie but Renjun stops his arm and shakes his head. He assures Mark with a smile that he’s fine. Mark relents but he can sense Mark’s concern from how his posture has gone from lax to cautious as the movie continues playing, as if he’s on edge, anticipating Renjun’s every move. God, he’s such an idiot. He can’t even stress over asking a guy out without having the guy worry about him.

“I’m fine,” Renjun speaks up just to put Mark’s mind at rest. He sighs, a little flustered to be telling the truth. “I was just thinking about how I didn’t want anything to do with you when we first met? And now I’m in your room watching a movie with you.”

“I’m pretty stubborn,” Mark laughs more relaxedly now that he’s sure Renjun isn’t troubled over anything worth dropping everything about. “I like being around you anyway.”

“You only wanted to kiss me,” Renjun points out, ignoring the fact that he was the one who granted Mark a kiss in the first place when they met at the party.

Mark laughs, throwing his head down between his knees. “Why do you always have to make me sound so desperate. I was attracted to you, sue me.”

“You were _really_ stubborn—”

Mark surges towards him and kisses him abruptly, a hand on his jaw to tilt his face up. Mark pulls away, barely, and murmurs, “I’m still stubborn actually.”

Renjun blinks, takes a moment to register it. His heart pounds in his chest and Mark is still a breath away from him which he doesn’t want to change so he swallows and whispers, “Lucky for you, it worked out.”

He closes back the gap between them, pulling Mark closer to Mark’s total surprise and kisses him earnestly. Mark kisses him back almost immediately, his hands cupping Renjun’s face as he readjusts himself to fit in between Renjun’s thighs.

“So you’ve been wanting to kiss me, is that it? Is that why you’ve been weird?” Mark teases when Renjun kisses under his jaw.

“Shut up,” he rasps out in retaliation and then he finds himself being lowered onto the floor, Mark hovering above him. Mark leans down and kisses him again, Mark’s thumb caressing his cheek as Mark licks the swell of his lip. He grips the tufts of Mark’s hair above Mark’s neck when he allows Mark in and Mark licks victoriously into his mouth.

It reels him back to the party, to the car ride, to the rave, to back when he was younger and did these things for fun. But the difference between him then and him now is that he wants all that and more. He wants a hand to hold for a long time, a shoulder to take on the shape of his head, a trusted companion he can run to or kiss whenever.

“Mark, wait,” he gasps.

Mark hums, kissing the corner of his mouth and when he pushes against Mark’s chest to sit back up, Mark is hardly affected by the change, simply kisses down his neck while perched on his lap. It’s ticklish, the way Mark peppers kisses all over so Mark’s name comes out in a laugh when he calls out to Mark again.

“What?” Mark laughs against his lips. “What is it?”

He doesn’t know how to tell Mark. That he craves reassurance and permanence. Would that deter Mark away? How does he just say—

“I’m not twenty anymore,” he whispers against Mark’s lips. His hands move from Mark’s back to cup Mark’s face as he pulls away, breathing nervously while he watches Mark’s eyes flutter open, dark and hazy when they meet his. “I’m not twenty,” he repeats. His heart beats rapidly.

Mark chuckles breathlessly, leaning in to nose along his jaw. He can hear Mark’s stuttered breathing when Mark kisses sweetly under his ear. “I know that,” Mark murmurs.

“No,” he cradles Mark’s jaw and brings him back to look intently into his eyes. He struggles to explain himself. “What I’m trying to say is I’m not how I was like when I was younger. I need you to know this—”

Mark ignores him completely and surges forward to steal his breath again, kissing him at an intensity that only seems to grow. Renjun caves in because he’s been wanting to kiss Mark for so long too. But as much as he enjoys it, they can’t just keep _kissing_. He needs Mark to know. He tones it down rationally and Mark concedes, accepts the little pecks that he gives him instead.

He slides down a hand to Mark’s shoulder and pushes slightly to put some distance. He needs to get this out. “Mark—”

“Okay,” Mark breathes out so quickly that Renjun’s caught by surprise. Mark dives back in, hands steady on Renjun’s hips which eventually slides smoothly to Renjun’s back, his touch warm and sultry as he uses that to pull himself closer on Renjun’s lap.

“Okay?” Renjun murmurs against his lips.

Mark hums. He kisses the corner of Renjun’s lips. “Okay, I’ll be your boyfriend.”

Renjun puts a hand on Mark’s chest to stop Mark from kissing him further, as difficult as it is for him to do. He looks into Mark’s eyes, his brows furrowing together. “You sure? I’m a mess to deal with, you know this.”

“Am I sure?” Mark laughs. His face scrunches adorably and effortlessly sets Renjun’s heart aflame. He tilts Renjun’s face up towards his gently, traces a finger along Renjun’s jaw before he’s leans down and delivers the sweetest kiss to Renjun’s lips that has Renjun’s toes curling and his fingers digging dearly into Mark’s waist. Renjun’s left breathless when Mark parts from him. The smile on Mark’s face is dreamy and it’s terrifying because it’s a smile meant only for him. “You’ve been living inside my head you should know better if I’m sure.”

Renjun scoffs and his nerves are immediately soothed although the flutters in his stomach are a menace. And with Mark smiling that way at him, he feels so giddy that all he wants is to kiss Mark stupid. “God, you’re really so—”

Mark laughs and Renjun pushes him down onto the rug, kisses him so breathlessly that he shuts up. Mark wraps his arms around his neck as he devours Mark hungrily. Mark pulls him closer and makes use of his shirt hanging obscenely to sneak a hand underneath and graze the skin at his hip. He shudders at the touch but Mark is quick to distract him with the way Mark’s tongue swirls in his mouth. Mark’s hand slides down teasingly over his ass and grips the back of his thigh, making him groan into the other’s mouth. But Mark is not that the only one who can play. He retaliates by slotting his knee between Mark’s own strategically and he smiles deviously at the whine Mark lets out. When Mark arches up and kisses him deeper, he kisses Mark back just as fervently. And when Mark takes it languid and smiles against his lips, he smiles into the kiss as well because not only has he just gained a boyfriend, he’s also gained another purpose to live for.

He has the strangest feeling in his chest and it’s wonderful because he feels it now, he’s sure, that the weight dragging him down won’t be around forever.

**Author's Note:**

> Here’s to everyone at a low point in their life. It’ll get better. 
> 
> Thanks to max. I know you probably wont even see this but thank you for gifting me the exhale you thought i needed. I appreciate you so much


End file.
